Thursday, September 19, 2013

No Matter How Far I Get I Always Feel Behind in my Mind

But fuck trying and not doing!

How do you know when you're past the hard part? I get out of bed everyday so there's that. I finished school I have a good job, I just feel so embarrassed by my progress or lack thereof all the time. I know things happened that were out of my control but how come I just couldn't control the things that were? I can't stop dwelling on all the regrets I have. My Life really could have been great right now but of course I fucked it up, like I do everything. 

I could be buying the Chanel bags I want or adding to my Balenciaga collection rather than repaying a scam operation for the times I was in school but not functioning, the times they let me stick around just because I paid. It kills me to be making good money, way more than the people whose jobs I thought were so great, and still be unable to just buy myself something without having to justify it. It kills me. I worked so hard to come back from the depths but that hardly means anything, there was no second chance to regain all the scholarship money I tossed away and I had to fuck myself over just to get myself back on track. 

So am I on track? I don't feel proud of myself. I don't feel tempted to make a Facebook again so everyone can see what I am up to now. When do I start being able to stop feeling like shit and beating myself up daily?  Will that day ever even come?  I hope so, because this shame is unbearable. 

Just realized this was supposed to be an ahem style blog and is now basically a recovery blog. How did that happen? Here's a pic of what I wore to brunch a few weeks ago to compensate. Maybe next week I will do a summer work outfit photo-heavy (and emotion-light! promise!) post but I guess since it's getting colder out that's of little help to anyone

Top: St. John Collection // 
Jeans: Georgia May (Mae? Don't feel like googling) Jagger for Hudson // 
Clutch: Balenciaga GGH Premier in Ciel //

I also wore a very cute Peter Som cardigan and some flats. And I got some bomb smoked salmon with some even better cream cheese. I wish there were more vehicles for cream cheese in my life because eating it with a fork is frowned upon. We got a jelly donut as an appetizer and I've been dreaming about the day me and that jelly donut will meet again ever since. 

Gotta say though, I am so tired of the artificial Brooklyn aesthetic. I know it is cool to live there and all but dude you're from Ohio, must you be a composite of every Brooklyn hipster stereotype?  Girl in the grungy clothes with the unkempt hair - I know that Celine bag you're carrying set you back at least $3000, don't pretend to be all salt of the earth with me sista. 

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