Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Put in Work, Put 'Em in the Dirt

Apparently chocolate lava cake and vodka is not a good mix, just a heads up!

I actually took a picture in my hard hat and safety glasses today but of course it came out blurry.  I think it's a sign that it's a sight too awful to be seen.  I know the camera phone outfit pictures are extra corny, but it's part of my "regular-girl" shtick (which is not actually a shtick at all, which is kinda the shtick too); I certainly don't know anyone who can carry a nice DSLR into work.

Sweater: 'S Max Mara // Tank: Cynthia Rowley //
Pants: Vince // Bag: Balenciaga RH City (it's the only one I brought) //
Shoes:  Red Wings bought by my company //
Background: Gray ("Steel") Hardhat, courtesy of my company

These shoes are the most expensive shoes I ever bought in my life.  I really wanted steel-toed boat shoes but my boss turned me down.  No wonder people associate engineering with nerds, the things we have to wear are necessarily hideous.

I like being out here.  I have stuff to do which is fantastic.  Lately I've just been doing busy work in the office and it's incredibly stressful having nothing to do.  I don't want people to know I'm not doing anything so I have to work even harder to find things to do and look busy and it's just way too anxiety inducing for me.  When I have a lot to do, my mind isn't allowed to wander over into doubting myself and wondering whether everyone thinks I'm a slacker or if my project manager just caught me browsing consignment clothes on eBay when he walked by (he did, I'm sure).  This is something I miss about school too.  At school, I was able to do things during the day like go to class and appointments and run errands, and then at night and on weekends I would study.  Now, I sit at my desk all day and come home just to have absolutely nothing to do.  I almost want to cancel my Netflix subscription because I'm embarrassed at how many shows I've plowed through as a result of this but then I will really, truly have nothing to do.  It isn't relaxing for me though, I like being busy because when I get things done I can ignore all the stupid shit I hate about myself and focus on the fact that I was productive.  It's a great feeling.  I used to go to bed early satisfied with my day and wake up ready for another one.  Now everyday is a blur, the accomplishments of one day are dragged out over weeks when you're dealing with work projects, and I never even do things for myself because I would rather go home and get in bed than deal with another minute of traffic.

Is this me wasting my youth?  What should I be doing with my time?  How do I cope to this new schedule, or lack thereof?  With school, you had homework due Tuesday and a quiz on Friday and an exam every three weeks.  You knew your schedule and you could stick to it.  Now my boss tells me I have four months to work on developing some control modules - how do I get myself to sit down and do it now when I have all the time in the world to get it done?


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