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Friday, September 13, 2013

Rather See Me Die than See Me Fly

It feels good to be home.  I am picking fights with people who don't deserve it because I am my own worst enemy. It's like I want everyone to know how miserable I am so I try to make sure they feel the same. And I make the tiniest little things escalate into a huge disaster if things don't go as planned or I feel like I'm being wronged. I don't think I care that much about what I do Saturday, so why am I crying over it and starting an argument about it when I know that no outcome and nothing anyone offers or says will satisfy me (mainly because my sadness was manufactured rather than brought on by the situation)? 

 I think maybe sometimes I just need some reassurance and I don't know how to go about getting it.  I just need someone to tell me I look great even when I'm broken out and gross,  or to tell me they love spending time with me even when I'm miserable and definitely no fun. Is this insecurity based? Or is it just a strange way of acting out my fairly common desire to be complimented?  I shouldn't rely on these. I shouldn't need them. 

When I was younger I was an easy target. I was made fun of a lot, for everything from my pale skin to my dark arm hair (I was definitely told I looked like wolverine quite a few times) and my height that prompted some to tell me I looked like a barbarian. I can laugh at these now but feeling ugly and wanting other people to think I was pretty really defined a significant portion of my adolescent life. I tried everything to get boys to like me and chase me the way they did my shorter, tanner peers. Not a single boy in my grade ever sought after me, and none of the guys I thought were cute would even consider me. So I thought I had to be fun and cool and slutty to get men to look at me, and while that worked, I never got the right kind of men to look at me. I've changed a lot since then (clearly!) but those same little-girl insecurities creep up on me a lot, when I see every other girl in the bar is a full six inches shorter than me I can't help but feel awkward, the big lumbering giant. When I go out with friends, guys go up to them left and right but no one talks to me. My mom says that's because I'm "intimidating" but she's my mom so she's supposed to say that. I just break down into that stupid little girl desperately wanting someone to look at her and love her, changing who I am to get the response I desire. I wouldn't say it's manipulation but man do I feel disgusted with myself when I catch myself doing it. 

Btw I just caught myself. Ugh! My own worst enemy, truly. 

How will I handle this at work? Of course I desire for my work to be complimented at times but I can't use emotions to pry it out of people. I know there has to be a better way of dealing with these insecurities because I do it with work all the time, so why can't I incorporate that into my regular life?

Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve the things I have and so I sabotage them. But my job, I need my job! Otherwise Sallie Mae will come and confiscate my Balenciagas and I won't have that. So I don't sabotage my job because I need it. 

I don't know what that means. Probably something though. 

Ok thats enough of that! I'm gonna paint my nails Lollipop by Essie and do a gold accent nail. Who's with me??!

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