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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

In Order to Survive Gotta Learn to Live with Regrets

I went to the Jets game on Sunday with people from work, just a few of us who worked on a specific project together getting our first (and probably last) chance to use some company seats not already reserved for wooing some really important client.  It was bittersweet; I had a great time but it reminded me in a lot of ways of my dad, who took me to my first game, and my ex boyfriend with whom I renewed my interest in the team.  I don't miss him so much, but I do miss the feelings I had back then, before everything came crashing down, while I was still in denial about the many issues I had and was able to so easily tune them out and pretend they weren't there.  Happiness almost felt happier then, if only because I wasn't constantly qualifying it with the little voice in the back of my head reminding me of everything else bad and wrong going on in my life.  I had no worries about anything, not because I had no need to but just because I was incredibly adept at pretending it wasn't real, and I really wish sometimes I could get back to that, especially because my problems now are hardly even close to the same magnitude as the problems I had back then.

But maybe that's the downfall of insight - gaining it makes you a better person in so many ways but it also removes your ability to really enjoy things without constantly dwelling on the deeper meanings.  Sure I loved buying my first Balenciaga bag but man I would have loved it a lot more if I could pretend that the money I spent on that lovely little sac of chevre leather wasn't money I should have been spending on paying down my loans faster.  It's much easier to enjoy things when you don't feel pangs of guilt upon seeing them.

The same goes for my feelings about my dad.  When I was in denial that he was really gone and what that meant for me in the long term, i.e. that I wouldn't be able to talk to him or ask him all the things I wanted to ask ever again, it was really a lot easier to cope.  Delaying the grief process only made it worse though, and by the time it all finally hit and I couldn't really pretend much longer it was almost unbearable.  It was enough to keep me from functioning for a significant amount of time, and now pretending it wasn't real for so long is just another thing to add to my ever-growing list of regrets.  I hope reincarnation is real because it would seem unfair for me to be wasting so much time regretting things if this is really my only shot.



Dress: Piazza Sempione // Shoes: Tahari

I actually bought both of these items on my two weekend excursions to avoid the power loss in my building.  The dress is from Neiman Marcus Last Call and this picture/lighting is really a shame because it has so many beautiful details that really deserve to be seen.  The shoes were from a TJ Maxx, and they're not as low as I would have liked but I think the thicker heel helps keep them from seeming quite as stripper-ish as some of my other pumps.  The search continues but these will at least expand my options for now.

One of my boyfriend's friends is getting married soon so I have to start thinking about what to wear to that, although I don't imagine I will buy anything new since this is a true shotgun wedding and probably won't be too fancy.  The girl go unexpectedly pregnant so they are trying to have the wedding quick, before she starts to show.  It's hard for me to act excited for them when I feel like this is something pretty tragic to happen to two 23-year-olds just finishing school, but that's probably something I should work on.  When a friend asked what we should do for the girl's bachelorette party and my response of "Mourn?" was probably not too appreciated as far as jokes go.  Oh well, I'm working on it.

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