Friday, October 18, 2013

Incredibly Astute Observations, Presented without (OK, Just a Little) Comment

Maybe this will make sense.  Maybe you'll be like my boyfriend and argue that it isn't that way anymore, while I take a tiny nibble of the donut he offered me, feeling guilty about that one small bite even though I could have happily eaten the whole thing.  I am here thinking about how many margaritas I want later and what that means for my breakfast and lunch choices today, looking up calorie counts of various foods and wondering what will fit under my 1200 calorie allotment while my boyfriend drinks lattes and eats donuts and goes out for lunch all the time, I worry about the number on the scale and don't even want him to see me without clothes on days when I feel like I've eaten too much while he tells me he cares about his weight too so it's not like women are the only ones.  I guess when he knows what it's like to beat yourself up over eating a fucking piece of cake then he will know what it's like, but for now I guess I will let him think that his desire to work out and be strong and watch what he eats (within 2500 calories, mind you) is at all similar to my knowing that my value to society is inversely proportional to my weight.  Maybe one day he will be furious with himself over eating an extra brownie and desperately starve himself the next day to make up for it, maybe one day he'll be so disgusted by his body that he pretends to be sick to avoid going to the beach, and maybe one day he'll read the comments on the girls (or in this case, guys) posted on TheChive or Barstool and realize that those girls that everyone is saying are too fat or gross or whatever are still exponentially better looking and more in shape than you and look down at his plate and want to die.  Until then though, I don't think I'll waste much more of my time trying to explain to him why my internal need to please and be accommodating and do what other people want in all situations is different from him learned desire to please based on being a decent person.  I disgust myself.

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