Thursday, October 17, 2013

Little Girl Lost

Well I made the ridiculous, insurmountable, totally predictably devastating mistake of looking at an old friend's Instagram to see that she is now not working (she's a blogger and gives advice on a variety of things like home decor and which beauty products to buy... more on that in a bit) but has an enormous rock on her finger and just bought a huge apartment in the Village with her fiance.  This makes me feel inexplicably bad.  Certainly our lives are not comparable but I feel the need to compare nonetheless.  I don't sit here and write about beauty products all day (although I could, instead I just write about my constant feelings of inadequacy!) and I don't have a man in my life who provides anything for me, yet somehow I feel like she is more fulfilled by her material objects than I am by my intangible *independence* and *ambition*.  Also my attempt at a matte manicure last night didn't work out so I may just be projecting that anger onto her.

So how does a person in this world where all that really matters is connections and money carve their own niche, make their way in without having much of either to begin with?  I don't have the luxury of sitting around home all day telling people about things I like and being able to make any sort of meaningful living out of it.  I don't think I'd want to either though - it's a slow time at work and I'm even bored just going home and having nothing to do, forget about being home all day with nothing to do.

I'm looking more into getting a Master's degree although it seems like everyone who I speak to at work's first question is "Why? What do you want to do with your life that necessitates this?".  And I get that, I know that just getting a degree in something for the sake of having the piece of paper is both a waste of time and money, but it seems unfair to expect me to be able to tell you right now what I want to do with my career forever.  The whole point is I want to explore options so that I can figure that out, and part of that, I think, is gaining more knowledge in areas closely related to the ones I work in to see if those are paths I would like to take.  I have been encouraged to go into sales a lot here ("I see our first female account manager here..." so cool glad my gender works out for me for something!) but salespeople don't need higher education necessarily, so I think that's also a way of dissuading me from pursuing this.  I want to be simultaneously specialized and non-specialized, I want to be good at everything and know everything there is to know, and I think maybe that hinders me.  I honestly feel like I could be happy doing anything, as long as it's challenging and offers me the flexibility to pursue other things when it stops being challenging.  This is probably why I did best in the classes I took that everyone else found insanely hard; for me, finding the answer was a game or a puzzle and I loved the challenge as well as the feeling when I knew I had gotten it, whereas reading and regurgitating information disinterested me and I found it hard to keep my focus on them.

Sweater: J. Crew // Pants: Vince // Flats: Saks Fifth Avenue //
Nails: Julep "Char" (creme navy, it's great)

I don't know why I'm so hung up on what other people are doing.  I really just wish I didn't know sometimes, but it's almost unavoidable.  Life tip (a.k.a. learn from my mistakes): Don't seek out the social media accounts of people you don't really like much.  The whole point is for them to make it seem like everything's perfect and so of course that's how it will appear to you, just making you more bitter and more likely to doubt your own successes.

I miss my friends.  I haven't seen them in so long and I find it so difficult to make and keep plans sometimes.  I wish it didn't require a car ride to get to them.  I think I start getting very morose when I feel like I only ever see my mom, my coworkers and my boyfriend.  Not that I don't love them all, but sometimes I just need to do something Instagram-worthy to feel like I'm even doing anything.

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