Thursday, January 30, 2014

Everyone Is Hanging Out Without Me

I have never been good at keeping friends.  I make them relatively easily, but it's always pretty superficial - we talk when we see each other but rarely beyond that.  I have two best friends from high school I am still in touch with but that's really it.

Among my boyfriend's friends, many of the girls are very close with each other and text and hang out all the time but no one really does that with me even despite my efforts.  With my ex boyfriend, I remember going into the bathroom in a bar and crying after realizing that all the girlfriends had gotten together and gone shopping before meeting up with the boys out and no one had even told me even though they had my phone number and even though they knew I was alone and not doing anything since my boyfriend was at work and even though it was the day before my damn birthday, I was left to just go in alone.  Actually, I remember that birthday - it was my 21st and I ended up sitting home with my boyfriend, all dressed up with nowhere to go after I was told that going where I wanted to go was stupid because it would be dead.  No one else asked me what I was doing.  No one ever does.  This isn't to say I care about birthdays because I don't at all but it would be nice if a few people cared once in a while, especially since I like to make a fuss over other people.

In college I made friends, but they always seemed closer to each other than they ever did to me.  I wondered if it was because I wasn't trying hard enough so I tried harder, which in hindsight probably only made me more unlikable.  I would go to things I was invited to but often feel left out and alone, and then I eventually lost touch with everyone.

But was it me losing touch?  No one else seemed to lose touch, so I would tend to blame it on myself.  Looking back though, I think it's probably more likely that no one ever really liked me enough to care about keeping in touch.  That's okay, and I can accept it, but it makes me really fucking sad to realize.  Why couldn't I find people who liked me like everyone else did?  

I recently started searching out old friends from college on Instagram and it just made me super upset to realize how close they all still are and how mcuh I was not a part of any of their experiences.  They made huge impacts on me but I doubt any of them think of me at all anymore.

I know that's just life, and not everyone will always like you, but what am I doing wrong that this happens to me all the time?  I want to rectify it, I want people to think to invite me to things and seek me out to hang out and not just say "Yeah, definitely!" and never do it when I text them, but I just don't know how to do it.  My boyfriend has been in Thailand for weeks and I haven't even seen a single friend - that can't just be because we're all busy.

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