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Monday, April 7, 2014

Am I a Loser, or is Everyone Else Faking?

Sometimes I am afraid I enjoy downtime too much.  In fact, sometimes it gets to the point that I actually dread going out.  The whole process is annoying to me - getting dressed, praying everything comes out okay and the top you really had your heart set on is not in the wash, getting somewhere to pregame, getting to your final destination, maneuvering around a crowded bar and avoiding eye contact with that girl who used to be your roommate but now you can't stand the sight of, figuring out how everyone is going to get home, wanting to leave when your one friend insists on staying out until last call, wanting to leave when she then insists on going back to some guy's apartment to continue the party later, finally having to leave by yourself at 5 AM and take an expensive cab home, dealing with her calling you a party-pooper the next day... it's just not a fun experience for me.

I think I used to enjoy it a lot.  I used to enjoy getting ready with my friends and everything was just a close walk away but now we have to deal with cabs and public transportation and driving and everything seems like such a hassle, a hassle that's rarely, if ever, worth it.

That's not to mention the fact that I cannot, for the life of me, sleep past 6 AM anymore.  If I'm staying out until 4 AM it better be very worth it for me to have to function off of only 2 hours of sleep the next day.  In school, when I had a lot more free time during the day, this wasn't really an issue.  Now, my weekends are really my only free time to get things done so if they're spent laying on the couch watching that 60 hour Game of Thrones marathon, I feel like a waste of a human being.

I see pictures of everyone else out and having fun all the time on Instagram, but is it real?  Is everyone having as much fun as they say they are, or do they often (not always! but often) wish they were actually sitting in bed watching Dateline and dicking around on the internet with a margarita in hand like I do?

I don't remember when this change came about, but I hate it.  I so frequently dread doing things I know I should be enjoying, and then I get mad at myself both for having gone in the first place and for always ruining it for myself.  Frequently I will agree to things ahead of time - after all, going out on a Friday night sounds fine on Tuesday when I still have some leftover energy from the weekend but like a nightmare when I wake up Friday morning and realize it will be nearly 24 hours before I can sleep again - and then be forced to either suck it up and go and be miserable or ditch and look like a total flake.  Neither are very good options.

Sometimes I think it's my own self consciousness that keeps me from having fun, feeling ugly compared to the other girls in the room or feeling underdressed or comparing the people who come and talk to me (all zero of them) to the legions of men that will line up for a chance to chat up some of my friends.  It's okay, there's certainly more to life than being hit on, but it's certainly a blow to the self esteem when you spend an hour doing hair and makeup only to reach your destination and realize you're still way too pale, a little too chubby, and all-around not pretty enough.  

Now that I think of it, my own self consciousness and feelings of inadequacy are definitely the issue here.  But how do I get around that and learn to just let go and enjoy myself and not worry about what time I'm getting home or how much sleep I'll end up getting or how much money I'm spending on vodka clubs or how hideous I'll look in the pictures my friends will post on Instagram?

I just miss being able to have fun; I remember it fondly.

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