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Monday, April 28, 2014

Deflated

It's been a tough past few weeks.  This is definitely very whiny of me and I know that I should be happy because I've been blessed with people who care about me and great opportunities but sometimes I can't just get myself to stop thinking.

Last year, a higher up boss offered to me an opportunity to go to this really great conference our parent company hosts with tons of networking and events and seminars to go to.  I was so excited and flattered that he would invite me.  A few days ago another coworker came over and was talking about a trip he's going on with his fiancee.  I asked where he was headed and his answer was this conference.  I know this means I'm not going because they wouldn't send two people who are the same position.  He's been here longer than me, so maybe he deserves it, or maybe I deserve it because I would be going solo and really using it as an opportunity to network, or maybe I should stop worrying about seeming whiny and ask someone why I am no longer going, or maybe I should stop being a fucking baby and caring about this.

I feel the same way when I find out friends are hanging out without me, making plans without me, talking all the time and just ignoring my efforts to start conversations during slow workdays for some reason.  Maybe I am just being a baby about it, but I'm sensitive to these things because I have lost so many friends over the years and done my best to ruin any good opportunities I may have had.

My anxiety about everything has been mounting and just making doing anything seem incredibly daunting.  I had so many plans of things I wanted to do this weekend and I just couldn't muster up the courage.  Even the thought of writing out how I'm feeling has seemed much too difficult.

I went out to dinner with a friend on Saturday which was really nice.  She's very funny and easy to talk to and it reminded me how much fun I have just hanging out with girls, and how much I miss being able to do that.

I got the rest of my scores for the GRE, and I did okay.  Not as good as I'm sure I could have had I actually studied rather than watched SVU and think about studying, but good enough.  My writing score was in the 97th percentile which was nice to see, and my math score was around the same, percentile-wise.  My verbal score barely reached the 90th percentile mark and I typically do well on these tests so I was upset by this, but I guess most people taking this test are college grads which makes the pool of people taking it more competitive compared to the SATs or school mandated standardized testing.

I've also been successfully getting work done which feels great and makes taking little breaks to write and read so much easier and less anxiety ridden.  Maybe it's the changing of the seasons.  Is anyone else in a funk they can't seem to climb out of right now?

Saturday night dinner at Agave in the West Village (highly recommend, but make reservations!  Ours were for 6:15 and the place was mobbed already):

shirt: t. babaton silk blouse from aritzia || pants: rich and skinny coated denim || bag: balenciaga black RH city || nails: butter london "wellies"


And today at work and going for sushi and martinis afterward:

shirt: zara colorblock top || pants: rag and bone zip pocket ankle pants || shoes: cole haan air morgan 90 pumps || bag: balenciaga two-tone papier flap


The lighting has been making indoor pictures tough in the mornings.  Lots of hiding from the sun to avoid shadows and colors ending up weird.  I should probably take some pictures after work instead so I can do it outside as well but come on, who wants to do that after a long day knowing their bed is just upstairs waiting for them to climb in?

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