Tuesday, July 15, 2014

I Eat, Therefore I Am

When did everyone in the world become a "foodie" and how did I miss it?

Ignoring the obvious complaint that calling yourself a "foodie" might be literally the worst way you can make an impression on me, how does one become a "foodie"?

I like food.  I eat it every day.  In fact, I am quite sure that everyone I know eats food every day, but certainly they're not going around calling themselves some stupid pretentious title meant to let everyone know how fancy they are.

So you're eating that giant monstrosity of a cheeseburger with pancakes for buns or whatever the hell was on Guy Fieri's stupid show last week (is that even still on? I hope not), and now all of a sudden you're a foodie.  Believe me buddy, anyone in the world would love all the same fried, grease soaked things you do.  You're not special because you watched the Food Network while nibbling on some kale chips from Trader Joe's.

I took a cooking class once through the Santa Fe School of Cooking in New Mexico (highly recommend, by the way) and we were all going around the room introducing ourselves and saying what we did for a living.  One guy said he was an undertaker which I would have loved to hear more about but noooo, of course we all had to ask questions of the guy who said, "I'm so-and-so and I'm a foodie".

So to prove this guy's foodieness, while we're taking this class from a woman who has a doctorate in food history or something like that and was incredibly knowledgeable about Native American cuisine and the way finding the Americas shaped European cuisine (side note: did you know Italians didn't have tomatoes until they came back from America?  Really makes you think...).  Her class was fascinating because of her absolute breadth of knowledge, even though we were making lamb and chile rellenos which are my two least favorite foods.

Mr. Foodie naturally has some questions, and who wouldn't when talking to someone who knows so much about the thing you use to define yourself?

He must have had some good questions, you're probably saying.

You're wrong.

He asked this expert how she gets everything out of the bottom of her Vitamix blender (????) and what the difference between white and black pepper is (????????).

Basically, this guy sucked and is a shining example of why you should never refer to yourself as a foodie.  It just makes you sound like an idiot.

shirt: helmut draped tank || pants: rag and bone || jacket: theory open front linen blazer || bag: balenciaga black RH city || shoes: saks fifth ave black label randi flats

That reminds me, I went on a very foodie-esque late night mission this past weekend to find fried Oreos on the boardwalk and every place said they were out of batter.  Is this a sign they knew I'd regret it in the morning?  Is this a conspiracy to deprive me of happiness?

Inquiring foodies want to know.

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