Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Long Time, No See

Well, it's certainly been quite a while.  A lot has happened over the past little while even though most things are the same, and I hope I'll be able to get back into the habit of writing on here regularly!  I've signed up to take the GMAT on March 4 so I have studying for that to procrastinate, on top of the usual work.  This should be a good catalyst.

At the risk of sounding teen angst-y, and because I had jury duty today so I'm not wearing anything worth taking pictures of, I thought I'd make this post about:

Really, you're not.  Instagram and YouTube and the like have made everyone into budding celebrities, but those given the platform only use it to gain more fame and not to do anything meaningful.  Not saying I'm doing anything meaningful, but given the opportunity I'd like to think I would.  If you're making a video about makeup, show the fucking makeup.  Don't chat for 5 minutes beforehand about what you're going to show and how you'll show it and what people should do if they have questions or comments.  I didn't click your link for "random babbling".  I know you are super quirky and cute but I just want a swatch, for the love of God.

It was a common theme on House, MD and has become a common theme in my life as well.  From bosses and your employers making you promises they don't intend on keeping, to boys making you lofty promises just before changing their minds, to Adidas telling me if I download the app and go on at the right time I'll get to reserve some Yeezy 350s (spoiler alert: that failed).  While you take the words people say to heart because that's all you have to go on, remember that they have no obligation to actually keep up their end of the bargain.  Of course, a good person would want to be true to their word and do right by other people but remember that people will just do what they want or what is easiest for them above all.

After promises from work about sending me to grad school, they finally came up with an official policy of $3000 a semester, $12000 lifetime, vested over 5 years.  They might as well have just sent me an email saying "fuck you".  It's not like a $12000 scholarship, you're signing a contract to stay with them for 5 years or have to pay them back.  Now in a company with lots of upward mobility, I think this would be great.  It's stingy for sure, especially compared to other companies, but it's fine.  At mine, though, there's really not many places for me to move up.  We just got a new manager, and I certainly won't be taking his throne any time soon.  It's agreeing to keep working for them without the raise generally associated with a higher degree, and I don't want to do that.

As for the boy, well, we'll get there.  Actually, I hope we won't because I hope this helps keep me from thinking about all the promises he made me and didn't keep, the love he had for me that seemed to disappear overnight, and all those other things that haunt my mind when I'm trying to sleep at night.  I hope I won't waste any more of my time with wondering why he changed so suddenly, and what was wrong with me that caused it.

It feels good to buy things.  When I'm feeling down about myself I like to buy clothes or makeup and then imagine how nice I'll look when they finally arrive, when I can finally contour like a Kardashian.  But that never works out because it's such a temporary fix: once you get the items, you still hate yourself and still don't feel any better, no matter how amazing you look in that crop top (and really, you do).  Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons - otherwise you'll dislike yourself even more when you see the dwindling numbers in your bank account.

Okay this one you need.  It's a game changer.

When people are stressed or unsatisfied with their own lives, they often feel the need to put down others.  To the guy who told me I wasn't going to get into Harvard Business School, fuck off - you're balding.  To the guy who told me I would have to change the way I speak to be taken seriously - fuck off, you're balding too and were asked to resign from your C-suite position and haven't found another one yet in almost a year.  To the guy who told me I was wasting my time when I sent him my GMAT practice test scores because he was upset they were (much) better than his - I know you wear shoe lifts, I've seen them, and I Googled the brand of shoes you wear to find that those are heightening shoes as well, so I'm taller and have better scores.

Using someone (or even anyone) to help fill the void in your life will never work.  You can't rely on someone to be there all the time, and you can't force a connection with someone when it isn't there just because you don't want to be alone.  When you find a real connection, the kind that's physical and emotional, the kind that lets you talk to someone every day without having to resort to "So how was your day?" every time, and lets you just lay on the couch together all day doing nothing and still having the time of your lives, hang on to it.  Please, please hang on to it.

If you're thinking you're next should be your last, you're drunk already.  Go home.  You don't need to prove your worth by outdrinking every man in the bar - I know you can and will be sending you congratulations from afar.  Take solace in that, and let that be enough.  Plus, you are always too open with your emotions when you're drunk and sometimes it wouldn't hurt to show a little goddamn restraint.

Am I missing anything?  What have you learned over the past year and a half?

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